Category Archives: Humor

Dark Alleys and Lead Pipes

Dark Alleys and Lead Pipes

From now on when I hear the words, “assembly required” I am sticking my thumbs in my ears, squeezing my eyes shut, and singing something at least as annoying as Hit Me Baby One More Time at the top of my sanity loving lungs. Because, honestly, it would be much less painful than trying to assemble furnature.

You know that old attage those who don’t learn from their mistakes blah blah blah I’ve quit listening where’s the nearest place to get a smoothy? Well, I guess I should have paid more attention. I’ve ranted about my ineptitude putting the excersize bike, which still to this day remains used a grand total of twice, together on the “Some Assembly Required” episode of the podcast. Then there is the unforgetable time our marriage almost ended, less than a month after it began, when Treva and I tried to assemble two end tables. (I thought I blogged about it, but as usual my brain thinks I did a task my fingers were to lazy to complete.) Tonight, I once again dove headfirst into the shallow end of the I’m a man I can assemble anything pool.

A month or two ago (fine it was really December. shut up.) we bought a cabinet from Ikea. It was one of those small, 5 drawer bathroom things. Came in a box unassembled and unstained. We had been having horiffic luck that day finding things for our new apartment and I was determined to salvage the trip. I told Treva that I would get the cabinet, stain it, put it together, and life would be all roses and smiles from then on. I don’t know why, but for some reason that woman trusts me. Saint.

Fast forward to March. The cabinet, the stain, and the brushes lie under the bed mocking me. I had been waiting for the “perfect weekend” to begin this project. Treva was going to visit her family and I figured what better time to line the kitchen floor with plastic, open the windows, stain that beast like there’s no tomorrow, and hope I don’t hit my head too hard when I pass out from the fumes.

After getting the advice to use a rag instead of a brush because you can feel the stain from someone smarter than I am, I slap in some season 1 West Wing (nerd) and start staining. I quickly discover a few things.

1. Our kitchen is too small and once I lie these pieces on the floor I will be unable to reach the fridge to obtain more Cherry Coke. Furthermore, later, once the first coat has dried I will have no idea which pieces have had the second coat applied. I of course come to this realization about 90 percent through my first coat.

2. This stuff feels gross.

3. the fumes aren’t nearly bad enough to give me a high or cause unconsciousness, but my hands will smell for the next milleneum or three.

4. I hate staining stuff. Why can’t this involve a chainsaw? I’m good with destruction.

Once the first coat is done I scrub my hands in an attempt to rid them of their newly acquired shade of white, grab my cell and call Treva.

Me: I quit. If I ship this to your Mom will she bust out her incredible Amish woodworking skills and save me from myself? … Stop laughing. I’m sorry. I will never promise I can ever do something like this again. Oh, and our kitchen is too small. I want my mommy.

Treva: You’re a dork. Let me ask.

Me: I will shower you with children if you fix this for me. (hahaha, yeah right. I would never say such a thing. Children scare me pantsless remember?)

Treva: She says yes.

Me: Sweet. I love her. I’m going to play “Miriani now.

Several hours later I toss the dry pieces of particle board in the box, shove it under the bed, and forget about it until the beginning of April. Treva finally smacks me upside the head and reminds me to send the thing to her Mom. I’m pretty sure the woman at UPS was laughing at me when I explained what I was doing. Actually, I know she was.

We got it back tonight and I decided I had had enough of being haunted by this mean little hunk of wood. I was going to put it together. And, while I was at it, entertain the Twitter community with my antics.

21:48: Finally putting the ikea cabinet together. Where did i put the hardware?

When we sent the cabinet I figured I’d hang onto the hardware. I suppose, in retrospect, I should have just had her assemble the thing post staining, but I figured it would be easier to ship back in it’s multiple piece state. I left the bag of hardware tucked in a secret spot behind the leg of the headboard because I didn’t want to lose it and that’s where it was and if I moved it I would never find it again. Stop glaring at me honey, I hardly ever do that.

22:15: Would text instructions be too much to ask? There pictures aren’t doing it.

Now to be fair, I realize that for your average bear a picture is more helpful than text, but not for me. See, it all looks like a bunch of lines and things that might be screws or maybe a smudge, or possibly a doughnut. I want something that says “take the piece of wood with the slot, slide the thin flat board into the groove” you get the idea. Is that impossible?

22:45: I quit! Nothing that says assembly required is ever allowed in this house again.

After Treva and I figured out how to put the thing together I started nailing it in place. Unfortunately every time I got close to getting the nails in all the way the boards would slip and I would have to pull it and start over.

I gave up. I finally had enough and decided the cabinet and I needed to take a break from each other. Once my thumbs have healed, and my anger has subsided we might meet again… in a dark alley while I brandish a lead pipe and pound the bologna out of it. 🙂

I Should Not Be Allowed To Use A TDD

I Should Not Be Allowed To Use A TDD

We got a call today from another agency who needed to test their TDD (telecommunication Device for the Deaf) and was wondering if we had one we could try. Ours is fried, so I suggested another agency she could try.

A few minutes later I realized I could use IM to make a call to her TDD. I could have used 711 relay, but our PBX doesn’t recognize that as a valid number and won’t put the call through. I’ve never exactly done this before, and thusly, made a complete bonehead of myself.

Me:
Relay: please hold for the next available operator…
Relay: IP RELAY RO ####F   DIALING ### ### #### PLS HD   
Relay:    RING 1  2    
[…]
Relay:    (STILL RINGING WANT CONTINUE QQ) GA    

Here’s where I get stupid. My brain is thinking QQ is Quit and GA is Go ahead (keep waiting).

Me: qq  
Relay: (WHILE U TYPED    
Relay: 7   (F)  yes   
Me [Still thinking we’re talking about waiting for an answer.]: no  
Relay: sounds calm)    (WHILE U TYPED     (HUNG UP ANOTHER CALL QQ)  
   (HUNG UP ANOTHER CALL QQ) GA    
Me: no  

It wasn’t until a minute or so later that I remembered QQ is the equivelant of a question mark and in fact the other party had answered her phone. Rather than embarass myself further I dug up the number for Relay Indiana and used that instead.

I found out later that she had answered and knocked the receiver off the acoustic coupler on top of the unit and the situation wasn’t entirely mny fault, but I still think I looked like a bonehead. 🙂

The IT Crowd and 999

The IT Crowd and 999

I don’t know what made me think of it today, but I was poking around on the Interne and found a couple hilarious clips from the Chanel 4 television show The IT Crowd. The first clip is of a comercial explaining that 999 (the british emergency number) has changed. The second… shows the unfortunate results.

It looks like, similar to The Office, NBC will be picking this show up as well. The UK version only had 6 episodes in the first series, but 8 more are being filmed this spring. The IT Crowd is a hilarious look at life in “the basement.” The show centers on two IT technicians who are socially inept and awkward and their boss Jen, who technobabbled her way into a job she knows little about.

Grandpa’s Cheating

Grandpa’s Cheating

I know we Wisconsinites take our card games incredibly seriously, but I never realized they trained them so young.

Oshkosh Northwestern
Oshkosh, WI

March 5, 2007

Girl calls 911 to report grandpa cheating at cards

Gannett Wisconsin Newspapers

TOWN OF BURNETT — A 7-year-old girl who thought
she was getting the short end of the deal called
911 Sunday to report her grandfather was cheating at cards.

The Dodge County dispatch center received a 911
hang-up call from a young child around 4:40 p.m.
at a County E home in the Town of Burnett, according to a report.

When officers responded to the scene, the
grandmother told the deputy her young
granddaughter had recently learned to dial 911
and apparently called when she thought her
grandfather was cheating during a family card game, according to the report.

Filed by the Fond du Lac Reporter

Pickup Sticks

Pickup Sticks

Since Niner has gone to Wisconsin, I felt that as his associate I should let you all know what is going on here. Well, it’s a bunch of goofiness. I thought all of the goofy stuff happened to Niner, but apparently I’m not exempt.

Thursday evening I got home from work and watched T.V. for a little bit, talked to Niner and generally unwound. Then I decided to make myself a very unhealthy but tasty dinner of mozzarella sticks. I took them into the living room and sat in front of the T.V. to enjoy my time alone. I was trying to get myself situated and hold the plate and open my can of pop at the same time. This didn’t work out too well because suddenly my plate of mozzarella sticks slanted forward and the sticks flew to the floor. All of them except two. I picked them up and cleaned up my mess, or so I thought.

Later on, I decided to watch a DVD. I began looking through my collection to find a good chick flick that I know Niner won’t watch. Tucked between the DVDs, I found 2 very familiar cards. In fact, they were already typed out thank you cards for our wedding gifts. Yes, two of our guests didn’t get their thank yous. It’s a year and a half later so it’s too late to do anything about it, but the real question is how did they get from the study to the DVDs in the living room. It’s not like we have kids to drag them there. Well there is Niner, and he’s a lot like a kid, but I have no clue as to what happened.

After all that I decided not to watch a DVD and watched American Idol and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader (a hilarious game show hosted by Jeff Foxworthy). So, at some point while I was watching these I kept thinking about the weird places things turn up. Then I wondered if I had really found all of the mozzarella sticks that I had dropped. I went over to the T.V> and felt around more thoroughly, and yes, there on the shelf was another mozzarella stick. I give up! I wish Niner were here. I would just blame him for all of it!

Amusing

Amusing

Tom Reynolds from Random Acts of Reality had this to say today:

Only a short post today as I’m off filming for the Alan Yentob series ‘Imagine’.

I’m racing down the road on lights and sirens, there is a traffic light controlled pedestrian crossing so I have to slow down to avoid running over the
people who think that it is a good idea to run across the road in front of me.

Sitting, quite calmly, on the side of the road is a Guide dog for the blind. Amidst all these people running across the crossing, trusting that I’ll try
to miss them should they fall over in the middle of the road, the dog sits quietly and doesn’t make a move.

The dog has more sense than the people of Newham.

True as that may be, I kind of wonder where the dog’s owner was.

Also, in totally unrelated news, I forgot to sign the cover letter which went with the resume I turned into the City yesterday. I really, really, hope this is more of an “oops, kind of dumb thing” moment than a “this is going to completely kill your chance of ever getting this job” kind of mistake. I actually really want this IT job, not least of the reasons being I have been promised that should I obtain it I will never have to clean the house again. 🙂

Tonight’s Funny

Tonight’s Funny

I got dragged into Baby’s-R-Us tonight by my wife and our friends Doug and Theresa who are expecting their first child in December. While I quite frankly can’t stand shopping, and the idea of children frightens me even more, I do have to relate this amusing occurrence.

Doug: (while examining a crib) Hmmm, how do you get it up?
Me: (mumbling to Treva) You oughtta know, that’s what got you here in the first place.

Feminists Have Fun

Feminists Have Fun

July 3, 1858

Advice to wives from a now-extinct Richmond newspaper.

Richmond’s oddest-named newspaper, the Broad Axe of Freedom & Grubbing Hoe of Truth, published between 1856 and 1864, gave advice that is very much antiquated today.

The July 3, 1858, Ladies Department column read:

“Now, women, in the first place, you must never obtrude your opinion on any subject whatever — always try to remember your inferiority and insignificance — try by all means to cultivate a submissive and deferential spirit, which you can the more easily do by keeping constantly in view that man is the living embodiment of lordly greatness and power — the great oak, while you are the tender vine, and only too happy to twine your graceful tendrils around the strong and manly form. It is your duty, of course, to be pleased with whatever he does, and by your hopeful, loving spirit chase away the shadows from his heart… You must be very careful that everything is in order when his feet cross the threshold — let there be no unmade beds, scattered clothing, or crying children, because it would be very annoying, and perhaps ruffle his temper. But have the children, whether they are few or many, in a pleasant humor, nicely washed and combed — have a good warm dinner, or tasteful and elegant supper awaiting his return, and don’t worry him by asking him to spend the evening with you, when the concert of the theatre affords him so much more pleasure — you certainly could not be so selfish as to make such a demand.”

The preceeding statement was a direct quotation. The views and opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the staff and management of the Niner and Associates Blog.

That being said. Have fun in the comments section. Come on, I dare you.