Lost

Lost

Have you ever been through a period where it feels like you’re drifting, just going through the motions? Working to please someone, who in the grand scheme of your life, isn’t even the one you should really be pleasing. I feel like that’s where I am lately. Drifting through life hoping no one notices that I’m wandering and unhappy. I’m totally unfocused, my work has been totally craperific, and I feel like I accomplish absolutely nothing on a day-to-day basis.

When we first started this business I was so excited. I thought it would be great to be my own boss. To make the decissions. To make a million bucks. Well, a year and a half later and I just feel completely drained.

My partner has all these big ideas which sound great, but involve a lot of risk I don’t think I’m ready to take. I’ve got a brand new wife and house, so I have no desire to take on more debt. I hate that I need to tell him this. I feel like I’m going to crush his dream if I back out. I don’t want to be the owner. I’m just not there right now.

I want to work a job and gain experience. I don’t want to start off “in management.” Some people have that in them, I don’t.

I found out today that I may have a chance to apply for the job I’ve been wanting for some time. I got incredibly excited, even at the possibility of a maybe chance, and then it came crashing in on me. I can’t do anything until I talk to my partner. I have to tell him how I’m feeling. I have to tell him that I’m not ready to sign the papers and go to the next level with the company, such as it is. I have to do it tomorrow. I hate this.

I don’t think this was a mistake, starting the business. I think it was right at the time and now I need to move on. I have no problem being an employee or doing contract work for him, but I’m just not willing to take the chances he is now. I don’t even know how he is with a steady job and a new baby on the way, but I guess we’re both coming to a similar crossroads, all be it diverging in opposite directions. He, wanting to be on his own and take a risk, and me looking for the security and regular income of a “regular” job.

I pray about this constantly and all I get is confusion in my heart. I know what I think I have to do, but is it right? Am I hearring God’s voice? Am I just so tired of working and not feeling like I’m getting anywhere that I’m convincing myself I should quit before seeing it through? How do you know the difference?

One of our pastors says to talk to other friends who are believers, but I feel like talking to my friends puts them in an awkward position since they’re all friends with my business partner. Man was that ever a dumb idea, starting a business with a friend. Meh, seemed smart at the time anyway.

I’ll just keep praying and anyone reading this please do the same.

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