Dear Mrs. Nature,
I realize that in an effort to diversify the environment in which we midwesterners live, you have seen fit to provide us with four seasons. I am writing in regards to Winter, the coldest, drieriest season of them all.
I respectfully request that, in the future, you would please pick either snow, or cold. My personal preference is the cold without the snow, but I’ll leave some room for negotiation.
You see, I am a pedestrian by necessity. As such, the combination of the above mentioned elements makes it increasingly difficult to conduct my everyday, necessary, business. For you see, the inability to travel through the piles of snow, and rink-like patches of ice is exasperated by the amount of clothing I must wear to survive your onslaught of cold. I can sympathize with the lowering of the air temperature. After all, gas prices are on the rise and show no signs of coming down, and we’re all pinching our pennies.
Now, I accept that some believe snow to be visually pleasing, even fun to play in, and so I am willing to give in on the snow issue as well. Provided that you are willing to aggree to the following.
1) The snow shall fall only on the areas of the ground normally occupied by green plantlife including plants, trees, and various forms of flaura, hereafter referred to as “grass.” and;
2) Water, which has been frozen into a solid state, hereafter referred to as “Ice” shall not be deposited on any paved, unpaved, or encrusted surface whose primary use is to allow the passage of vehicular and/or pedestrian traffic, hereafter referred to as “streets” and/or “sidewalks.” Frozen water in the form of icicles may be affixed to the branches of trees, bushes, and/or the roofs of structures for astetic reasons, provided the affixation will not cause, nor contribute to, permenant damage of the object in question.
If we have an agreement on this issue, I look forward to a much more hastle free winter season. If not, I will continue to wine petulantly until you cave in, I am relocated to a warmer climate.
Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.
TechTiger, President (and possible only member)
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pedestrians